Best Friends For Life!

I was looking at my Facebook pictures and every time I see this one I think of the old days. We didn't have a care in the world. All we cared about was going out and having a good time. I really do miss those days where life seemed a little easier.
Fast forward to 5 years later and we have totally grown up. If you would have told us where we are today we wouldn't believe it.
Vanessa,Laura and Kelley all have precious little babies and beautiful families. Emily and I are married with babies in our eyes and future.
Jayme is the hardest working person I know. I wish I had her determination and integrity. She is so care free and generous. I know she is so close to finding her soul mate. I can feel it! There is no one else I know that deserves it more then she does.
These girls have became the sisters I have always wanted. Growing up my brother decided to go into the military. So, I pretty much grew up wishing I had someone I could go to and confide in when I needed advice or felt lonely. I definitely at 15-18 didn't want confide in my parents.
I remember when I was in high school and even after I graduated I had maybe one good friend at a time but never 5!!
I first met Emily when I started dating Austin. We clicked instantly! Then one night she came over telling me she wanted to invite me to her friend Laura's bachelorette party. Austin and I were hesitant for me to go because that was his ex girlfriend. We all know how some girls can be and I didn't want any drama.
Emily assured me that Laura and her friends weren't like that and that we would have a blast.
OMG! When I first met these girls I remember thinking these are some crazy chicks!! I fell in love with them instantly! Now I am the crazy one and they are thinking oh Lord!!
My whole point to this is I want my girls to know how great life has been since we met. I cant imagine a life without you girls in it! Yes we are older now and our days are not so wild anymore but its a better different. We are maturing (somewhat lol) and learning that life isn't always fair. We know that just because we try to live our lives to the best doesn't always guarantee that bad things wont happen. We are okay with that though since we know we always have each other to help pick us back up. I have learned this first hand.
I love you girls and I thank God everyday for giving me 5 sisters I can always count on.

I'm Back!

As alot of you know this year has been pretty tough on my mentally and emotionally. I have always considered myself a strong christian and person. This year has taught me I still have alot I need to work on and I am not as strong as I think.
After everything that has happened I started doubting my faith. I have never really admitted that out loud until now. I didn't want anyone to know. Since I have always had such a blessed life and great relationship with God it was really hard to struggle with whether I still believed or not.I was mad at God for letting things happen that I didn't believe I deserved. Then I would think maybe God did think I deserved it and that would shake my faith even more.
The church that I attend has always preached that we should praise God in times of heartache and not just when times are good. I was trying soooo hard to put that into practice. I would go to bed at night and thank God for all the blessings that I still have but my heart wasn't into it anymore. For the first time I didn't feel God around me anymore. (this is my fault) So, I stopped praying and I stopped going to church.
A couple weeks ago I had a friend approach me. She said she could tell something had been wrong for awhile and I just didn't seem myself. She was the only one that noticed. I told her what I was struggling with and without judgement said she would always be here for me no matter what and suggested we go to the Hopeful Hearts meeting together at my church. (It's for women struggling with getting pregnant)
We ended up going and I would love to say after going to that I had this huge epiphany but I didn't. I did realize however that all the women who were there didn't in any way deserve the heartache that they were going through. Some of them will never know why they cant get pregnant and that breaks my heart.
Since the meeting I have been doing alot of thinking. I can sit here and be mad about the circumstances or I can change my attitude and get off my pity pot.
Last night I finally realized God never left me. If he did he never would have had Emily confront me and be there for me when I didn't want to open up to anyone. If I didn't go to that meeting I never would have realized that yeah what happened to me not once but twice MAJORLY SUCKED but there are women going through way worse.
The only reason I felt so far from God wasn't because he left me. I left him. I didn't want to feel his presence anymore. I was selfish and very weak.
Last night I made a promise to myself and God that as much as I still hurt over what happened and as scared as I am to move forward I am going to do it because I want to prove to God and myself that I am ready to trust and let go. I am so exhausted from trying to be in control all the time. I just want to give it to him and be happy again and that is what I have decided to do.
God is good all the time and the moment we stop thinking that we need to take a look at ourselves and figure out what it is that we are doing or thinking to feel so far from him. Even with me being so pissed off at him he was still always there and that fills my heart with so much joy.
I am excited to finally feel like I can be excited and have hope again! My plan is not to be pregnant by this time next year (even though that would be nice) My goal is to focus on my relationship with God and just let the rest fall into place. :)
My whole point to this is I want anyone out there who is struggling with some kind of heartache to think about this...we spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves instead of finding a way to make our situation better. For me its working on my relationship with God. What do you need to do?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!!!!

I cant believe today will be two years since Austin and I got married and September 1st will mark our 5 years that we have been together. I cant get over how quick time is flying by.
I remember when we first met. I was going out with friends from the day care that I worked with.
First I wanted to get a tattoo since I had just broken up with a guy that broke my heart. The tattoo I got meant "Independent". I was so ready to just be single and have a good time and not be tied down to anyone.
We ended up going to Duke's in Addison. Once we got there we kept picking out guys that I could hit on. We were sitting at our table minding our own business then here comes a drunk guy with a pitcher of beer in each hand. Who would have known that he was going to be my husband! I remember thinking "man, this guy is a retard!"
Now, any of you who knows Austin can just picture this. He started dancing and made his way to me(still with both pitchers of beer in each hand)then if his dancing wasn't enough he had to start singing to me too! That is when I had realized I like that retard! LOL
He ended up giving me his number and vice versa. I didn't hear from him for 3 days and then after that we were together every day since.
So, whoever tells you that you cant meet your future husband in a bar is full of crap! :)
Austin, since the day I met him has always been so full of life and the life of the party. He has taught me that sometimes life isn't fair and I can either dwell in that or enjoy life while I am still here. I stress out over money so much but in being with him I am slowly learning that money is not what life is all about. We have each other, we have our health and we have our friends and family. As long as we have all that we will always be blessed because they can NEVER be replaced. Everything else can.

Thank you Austin for coming into my life. Thank you for always loving me even when I am not so loveable. Thank you for always telling me how beautiful you think I am when I never really see it. Thank you for working hard for the both of us even when your job takes you for granted. Most of all THANK YOU for letting me be your wife! I have never been happier in my life waking up with you by my side. I LOVE YOU BABY AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

I Miss You

How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love I have for you
No words can describe what all I wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad news
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose
but nothing will ever erase those weeks we had together
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever

A Work In Progress....*

So as most of you know when it comes to money I am very anal and conservative with how we spend it. I have decided I am going to try and be more laxed in that area.
Austin always tells me "We work hard for our money. We should be able to enjoy it."
He is totally right. I feel like I am an annoying/nagging wife when I am constantly saying "we need to save!"

Lately I have been putting that into practice and its been really hard. Once I see the account go down I can feel my heart beating faster. I have to remind myself that spending a few bucks here and there isn't going to hurt us. I don't know where I get this from (MY MOM!)but I really don't want to be like that anymore. I want to find a healthy balance. I feel like its pointless to be as uptight as I am about money. I honestly get on my own nerves with it sometimes!

I was thinking about it last night and I feel the reason I worry so much is because we are really really blessed right now. There are people that wish they had our problems and I get really nervous that in a flash that could all be taken away. With the economy the way it is right now no one is safe. So I always talk about how I want a cushion for just in case. Well, we finally have that cushion so I need to stop worrying.

I have decided I am just going to relax a little and pray. God has never let me down so I have nothing but the greatest confidence in him.
Check with me in a month and see how I am doing. Its going to be a work in progress but I am tired of worrying about stupid things.

This is the bible verse that I go to when I start to worry:
**For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air that they do not sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not worth much more then they? and who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"** MATTHEW 6:25

If Its Not One Thing Its Another!

I like to think of myself as being a pretty positive person. My life is so blessed and I thank God every night before I go to bed for the people and circumstances I face every day. Seriously, I have a roof over my head, a fabulous husband, wonderful parents and a brother who even though I don't see very much I miss with all my heart and such a great group of best friends. So, really....what do I have to complain about? ONE THING!!! LOL
For a long while everything has been going soo smoothly. Then it starts. Austin gets taken off salary and is now hourly. So we aren't always guaranteed a certain amount of money anymore, I have medical bills coming through, my straightener breaks (which cost me 140.00 for a new one) the dog is due for her shots, our AC goes out and then our stove is giving us issues with only heating up when it feels like it. REALLY?! Why do things have to all happen at once? Why not just spread itself out?
I guess when things are going so good for so long its bound to happen. I like to think its God's way of saying "Don't forget you need me too."
I honestly am not complaining.Things could be so much worse. Austin and I have our health and each other. That's all that should really matter. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Monday is my first meeting with Hopeful Hearts at our church. I am actually starting to really look forward to it. I have been really emotional lately. It seems everyone around me is getting pregnant and its just really starting to get to me. Of course I am happy for them but I just keep asking why not me?
I was thinking today maybe because of all these things happening financially that could be the reason. Hopefully one day looking back at all this it will start to make sense.
Anyways, I cant wait to meet everyone at the meeting and hear what they are going through. I could really use some words of wisdom from people that are going through it themselves.

Like I said at the beginning of my blog I don't want to be negative. So when I start talking about the whole baby thing that isn't my intentions. I know God has a plan for me that is far better then the one I have for myself. I just get sad sometimes and want to talk about it.



**Circumstances may cause interruptions and delays,but never loose sight of your goal. Prepare yourself in every way you can by increasing your knowledge and adding to your experience, so that you can make the most of the opportunity when it occurs**

My First Blog......FINALLY!!

Well I guess I better start off with a little about myself. Obviously I am Amanda Martin and I am 26 years old. Austin and I got married August 31,2008. Feels like just yesterday we got married. We plan on having another wedding for our 10 year anniversary since we had such a blast with our first.
I cant imagine my life without Austin. We have been through so much and there is no one else I would have wanted to go through it with.
He is the one person that can drive me nuts but while he is driving me nuts he makes me laugh so hard tears stream down my face. He is just so care free and relaxed. Which balances out my stressful nature.
Like recently for example. Austin found out he is going to be hourly and not salary which can be a good thing or a bad thing. So of course I start imagining the worst.
I talk to him today and says "honey we are going to be fine." Just him saying that I believe him. I know it sounds crazy but that's just how it is.



Now, on to why I wanted to start a blog in the first place. Austin and I decided last year that we were going to "not try but not prevent". Everyone knows when you say that though you are pretty much trying to get pregnant. If you weren't then you would still be on birth control. It was actually about this time last year we decided to give it a go.
We found out in February that I was pregnant only to find out 3 days later I had a chemical pregnancy. Which means if I wouldn't have taken a pregnancy test so early I would have just thought my cycle was late.
After that happened I was upset but I was ready to start trying again. So we were following the doctors orders to wait at least one cycle to start trying again. Well, that didn't happen. We ended up finding out again that we were pregnant at the end of March. We were soo excited! Austin came with me to our first appointment, my mom and I were talking about what color we wanted to paint the nursery and we were discussing baby names. We knew for sure if we were having a boy we wanted to name him Luke.
On May 5 I had an appointment to hear the baby's first heart beat. Susie (Austin's mom) wanted to go with me. She was soo excited as was I. When we go to the doctors office we waited in the room for what felt like forever for her to come in and do the ultrasound. Once she finally came in you could tell by the look on her face something was wrong. I looked at the TV and didn't see anything. She said she was afraid this would happen.....WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!! She said that I had a Blighted Ovum and that at 7 weeks my body absorbed the fetus.
I was so devastated. She was talking and I could see her lips moving but all I could hear was my voice saying are you serious? I cant believe this is happening to me again! I wanted to die. The doctor left the room and Susie hugged me while we cried together. Then I collected myself and walked out.
The ended up giving me pills that would make me miscarry since my body didn't know it wasn't pregnant anymore. That was probably the hardest part.I felt like I was causing me to miscarry but I had to make myself realize there was no baby. I was just flushing everything else out.
Austin was so good to me during that time. He took the next day off to be with me and stayed up all night. He even ran to the store for me to get a heating pad at midnight. As much as this situation sucked it really did bring us closer. It made me realize no matter what we always have each others backs. It also made me realize how much we wanted a family. I tried really hard to stay strong after everything happened but slowly it was catching up with me. I was loosing sleep, messing up at work alot and becoming soo bitter towards other pregnant woman or moms that I felt were taking their kids for granted. So I finally decided I was going to go to a meeting at our church called Hopeful Hearts. They meet on the last Monday of every month. This coming up Monday will be my first time. I am looking forward to going but at the same time not really. Its hard to explain.
I know for sure though if I didn't have the friends I have I would not be where I am today with all this. They dropped everything they were doing to make sure I was okay. We even had an emergency girls night which meant the world to me. My girls are badass and sorry but no one else will ever take their places!

Now that its a couple months later Austin and I are as close to being ready to try again as possible. I have a new doctor who is awesome! She has given me the peace of mind I need to move forward. I am of course still scared but I figure if God has my back then I know I will have my miracle in the end.

So from here on it I will be posting my journey on trying to start a family. I hope anyone who has been in my situation finds comfort in knowing some woman struggle harder then others to start their dream family but with a fabulous husband,amazing friends and God there is nothing I cant do!