I'm Back!

As alot of you know this year has been pretty tough on my mentally and emotionally. I have always considered myself a strong christian and person. This year has taught me I still have alot I need to work on and I am not as strong as I think.
After everything that has happened I started doubting my faith. I have never really admitted that out loud until now. I didn't want anyone to know. Since I have always had such a blessed life and great relationship with God it was really hard to struggle with whether I still believed or not.I was mad at God for letting things happen that I didn't believe I deserved. Then I would think maybe God did think I deserved it and that would shake my faith even more.
The church that I attend has always preached that we should praise God in times of heartache and not just when times are good. I was trying soooo hard to put that into practice. I would go to bed at night and thank God for all the blessings that I still have but my heart wasn't into it anymore. For the first time I didn't feel God around me anymore. (this is my fault) So, I stopped praying and I stopped going to church.
A couple weeks ago I had a friend approach me. She said she could tell something had been wrong for awhile and I just didn't seem myself. She was the only one that noticed. I told her what I was struggling with and without judgement said she would always be here for me no matter what and suggested we go to the Hopeful Hearts meeting together at my church. (It's for women struggling with getting pregnant)
We ended up going and I would love to say after going to that I had this huge epiphany but I didn't. I did realize however that all the women who were there didn't in any way deserve the heartache that they were going through. Some of them will never know why they cant get pregnant and that breaks my heart.
Since the meeting I have been doing alot of thinking. I can sit here and be mad about the circumstances or I can change my attitude and get off my pity pot.
Last night I finally realized God never left me. If he did he never would have had Emily confront me and be there for me when I didn't want to open up to anyone. If I didn't go to that meeting I never would have realized that yeah what happened to me not once but twice MAJORLY SUCKED but there are women going through way worse.
The only reason I felt so far from God wasn't because he left me. I left him. I didn't want to feel his presence anymore. I was selfish and very weak.
Last night I made a promise to myself and God that as much as I still hurt over what happened and as scared as I am to move forward I am going to do it because I want to prove to God and myself that I am ready to trust and let go. I am so exhausted from trying to be in control all the time. I just want to give it to him and be happy again and that is what I have decided to do.
God is good all the time and the moment we stop thinking that we need to take a look at ourselves and figure out what it is that we are doing or thinking to feel so far from him. Even with me being so pissed off at him he was still always there and that fills my heart with so much joy.
I am excited to finally feel like I can be excited and have hope again! My plan is not to be pregnant by this time next year (even though that would be nice) My goal is to focus on my relationship with God and just let the rest fall into place. :)
My whole point to this is I want anyone out there who is struggling with some kind of heartache to think about this...we spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves instead of finding a way to make our situation better. For me its working on my relationship with God. What do you need to do?