New Beginnings

As most of you know we finally have our little miracle on the way! This is why I haven't had any blogs in awhile. I wanted to write about her so bad but with our past experiences I didnt want to jinx anything.
I will be 31 weeks Saturday and as the due date gets closer I find myself with a mix of emotions. Of course I am totally excited and cant wait but at the same time nervous and scared. I want our little girl to have all the things I did growing up. I was blessed enough that I always had a roof over my head and never went hungry. I hope I can provide for her the same way my parents did for me.
Also, I want her to see that no matter what she has two parents that arent going anywhere no matter how tough things may get. I had two parents growing up and she will too.
I cant wait to start on this new journey with Austin. I know he def has the energy for it. If she is anything like him I will be worn out but it will be soo worth it.
Pregnancy has been such a wonderful/exhausting experience. I will miss feeling her kick and move around inside of me. No matter how crappy of a day I am having, when I feel her move it brings a smile to my face and I remember I have something to be totally grateful for.
We cant wait to meet you Presley...you have already blessed our lives in so many ways and you aren't even here yet!

Best Friends For Life!

I was looking at my Facebook pictures and every time I see this one I think of the old days. We didn't have a care in the world. All we cared about was going out and having a good time. I really do miss those days where life seemed a little easier.
Fast forward to 5 years later and we have totally grown up. If you would have told us where we are today we wouldn't believe it.
Vanessa,Laura and Kelley all have precious little babies and beautiful families. Emily and I are married with babies in our eyes and future.
Jayme is the hardest working person I know. I wish I had her determination and integrity. She is so care free and generous. I know she is so close to finding her soul mate. I can feel it! There is no one else I know that deserves it more then she does.
These girls have became the sisters I have always wanted. Growing up my brother decided to go into the military. So, I pretty much grew up wishing I had someone I could go to and confide in when I needed advice or felt lonely. I definitely at 15-18 didn't want confide in my parents.
I remember when I was in high school and even after I graduated I had maybe one good friend at a time but never 5!!
I first met Emily when I started dating Austin. We clicked instantly! Then one night she came over telling me she wanted to invite me to her friend Laura's bachelorette party. Austin and I were hesitant for me to go because that was his ex girlfriend. We all know how some girls can be and I didn't want any drama.
Emily assured me that Laura and her friends weren't like that and that we would have a blast.
OMG! When I first met these girls I remember thinking these are some crazy chicks!! I fell in love with them instantly! Now I am the crazy one and they are thinking oh Lord!!
My whole point to this is I want my girls to know how great life has been since we met. I cant imagine a life without you girls in it! Yes we are older now and our days are not so wild anymore but its a better different. We are maturing (somewhat lol) and learning that life isn't always fair. We know that just because we try to live our lives to the best doesn't always guarantee that bad things wont happen. We are okay with that though since we know we always have each other to help pick us back up. I have learned this first hand.
I love you girls and I thank God everyday for giving me 5 sisters I can always count on.

I'm Back!

As alot of you know this year has been pretty tough on my mentally and emotionally. I have always considered myself a strong christian and person. This year has taught me I still have alot I need to work on and I am not as strong as I think.
After everything that has happened I started doubting my faith. I have never really admitted that out loud until now. I didn't want anyone to know. Since I have always had such a blessed life and great relationship with God it was really hard to struggle with whether I still believed or not.I was mad at God for letting things happen that I didn't believe I deserved. Then I would think maybe God did think I deserved it and that would shake my faith even more.
The church that I attend has always preached that we should praise God in times of heartache and not just when times are good. I was trying soooo hard to put that into practice. I would go to bed at night and thank God for all the blessings that I still have but my heart wasn't into it anymore. For the first time I didn't feel God around me anymore. (this is my fault) So, I stopped praying and I stopped going to church.
A couple weeks ago I had a friend approach me. She said she could tell something had been wrong for awhile and I just didn't seem myself. She was the only one that noticed. I told her what I was struggling with and without judgement said she would always be here for me no matter what and suggested we go to the Hopeful Hearts meeting together at my church. (It's for women struggling with getting pregnant)
We ended up going and I would love to say after going to that I had this huge epiphany but I didn't. I did realize however that all the women who were there didn't in any way deserve the heartache that they were going through. Some of them will never know why they cant get pregnant and that breaks my heart.
Since the meeting I have been doing alot of thinking. I can sit here and be mad about the circumstances or I can change my attitude and get off my pity pot.
Last night I finally realized God never left me. If he did he never would have had Emily confront me and be there for me when I didn't want to open up to anyone. If I didn't go to that meeting I never would have realized that yeah what happened to me not once but twice MAJORLY SUCKED but there are women going through way worse.
The only reason I felt so far from God wasn't because he left me. I left him. I didn't want to feel his presence anymore. I was selfish and very weak.
Last night I made a promise to myself and God that as much as I still hurt over what happened and as scared as I am to move forward I am going to do it because I want to prove to God and myself that I am ready to trust and let go. I am so exhausted from trying to be in control all the time. I just want to give it to him and be happy again and that is what I have decided to do.
God is good all the time and the moment we stop thinking that we need to take a look at ourselves and figure out what it is that we are doing or thinking to feel so far from him. Even with me being so pissed off at him he was still always there and that fills my heart with so much joy.
I am excited to finally feel like I can be excited and have hope again! My plan is not to be pregnant by this time next year (even though that would be nice) My goal is to focus on my relationship with God and just let the rest fall into place. :)
My whole point to this is I want anyone out there who is struggling with some kind of heartache to think about this...we spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves instead of finding a way to make our situation better. For me its working on my relationship with God. What do you need to do?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!!!!

I cant believe today will be two years since Austin and I got married and September 1st will mark our 5 years that we have been together. I cant get over how quick time is flying by.
I remember when we first met. I was going out with friends from the day care that I worked with.
First I wanted to get a tattoo since I had just broken up with a guy that broke my heart. The tattoo I got meant "Independent". I was so ready to just be single and have a good time and not be tied down to anyone.
We ended up going to Duke's in Addison. Once we got there we kept picking out guys that I could hit on. We were sitting at our table minding our own business then here comes a drunk guy with a pitcher of beer in each hand. Who would have known that he was going to be my husband! I remember thinking "man, this guy is a retard!"
Now, any of you who knows Austin can just picture this. He started dancing and made his way to me(still with both pitchers of beer in each hand)then if his dancing wasn't enough he had to start singing to me too! That is when I had realized I like that retard! LOL
He ended up giving me his number and vice versa. I didn't hear from him for 3 days and then after that we were together every day since.
So, whoever tells you that you cant meet your future husband in a bar is full of crap! :)
Austin, since the day I met him has always been so full of life and the life of the party. He has taught me that sometimes life isn't fair and I can either dwell in that or enjoy life while I am still here. I stress out over money so much but in being with him I am slowly learning that money is not what life is all about. We have each other, we have our health and we have our friends and family. As long as we have all that we will always be blessed because they can NEVER be replaced. Everything else can.

Thank you Austin for coming into my life. Thank you for always loving me even when I am not so loveable. Thank you for always telling me how beautiful you think I am when I never really see it. Thank you for working hard for the both of us even when your job takes you for granted. Most of all THANK YOU for letting me be your wife! I have never been happier in my life waking up with you by my side. I LOVE YOU BABY AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

I Miss You

How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love I have for you
No words can describe what all I wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad news
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose
but nothing will ever erase those weeks we had together
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever

A Work In Progress....*

So as most of you know when it comes to money I am very anal and conservative with how we spend it. I have decided I am going to try and be more laxed in that area.
Austin always tells me "We work hard for our money. We should be able to enjoy it."
He is totally right. I feel like I am an annoying/nagging wife when I am constantly saying "we need to save!"

Lately I have been putting that into practice and its been really hard. Once I see the account go down I can feel my heart beating faster. I have to remind myself that spending a few bucks here and there isn't going to hurt us. I don't know where I get this from (MY MOM!)but I really don't want to be like that anymore. I want to find a healthy balance. I feel like its pointless to be as uptight as I am about money. I honestly get on my own nerves with it sometimes!

I was thinking about it last night and I feel the reason I worry so much is because we are really really blessed right now. There are people that wish they had our problems and I get really nervous that in a flash that could all be taken away. With the economy the way it is right now no one is safe. So I always talk about how I want a cushion for just in case. Well, we finally have that cushion so I need to stop worrying.

I have decided I am just going to relax a little and pray. God has never let me down so I have nothing but the greatest confidence in him.
Check with me in a month and see how I am doing. Its going to be a work in progress but I am tired of worrying about stupid things.

This is the bible verse that I go to when I start to worry:
**For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air that they do not sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not worth much more then they? and who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"** MATTHEW 6:25

If Its Not One Thing Its Another!

I like to think of myself as being a pretty positive person. My life is so blessed and I thank God every night before I go to bed for the people and circumstances I face every day. Seriously, I have a roof over my head, a fabulous husband, wonderful parents and a brother who even though I don't see very much I miss with all my heart and such a great group of best friends. So, really....what do I have to complain about? ONE THING!!! LOL
For a long while everything has been going soo smoothly. Then it starts. Austin gets taken off salary and is now hourly. So we aren't always guaranteed a certain amount of money anymore, I have medical bills coming through, my straightener breaks (which cost me 140.00 for a new one) the dog is due for her shots, our AC goes out and then our stove is giving us issues with only heating up when it feels like it. REALLY?! Why do things have to all happen at once? Why not just spread itself out?
I guess when things are going so good for so long its bound to happen. I like to think its God's way of saying "Don't forget you need me too."
I honestly am not complaining.Things could be so much worse. Austin and I have our health and each other. That's all that should really matter. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Monday is my first meeting with Hopeful Hearts at our church. I am actually starting to really look forward to it. I have been really emotional lately. It seems everyone around me is getting pregnant and its just really starting to get to me. Of course I am happy for them but I just keep asking why not me?
I was thinking today maybe because of all these things happening financially that could be the reason. Hopefully one day looking back at all this it will start to make sense.
Anyways, I cant wait to meet everyone at the meeting and hear what they are going through. I could really use some words of wisdom from people that are going through it themselves.

Like I said at the beginning of my blog I don't want to be negative. So when I start talking about the whole baby thing that isn't my intentions. I know God has a plan for me that is far better then the one I have for myself. I just get sad sometimes and want to talk about it.



**Circumstances may cause interruptions and delays,but never loose sight of your goal. Prepare yourself in every way you can by increasing your knowledge and adding to your experience, so that you can make the most of the opportunity when it occurs**